London 2012 Update, April 1st 2008, latest information on preparations for the 2012 Olympics, the relocation programme, budget and other matters. Embargoed till midnight April 1st.

London 2012 are happy to announce recent inflated budget estimates have turned out to be totally false. The original budget of £2.4 billion has been reinstated after careful examination of the figures. Mr Livingstone and Ms Jowell, who insisted repeatedly that the budget had been properly set have been vindicated and expect to receive apologies from those critics who doubted their veracity.

Further good news concerning the allotments. Far from being bogged down in a swamp or unable to dig through rock hard soil allotmenteers are enjoying the benefits of a bumper crop of vegetables and fruit brought about by excellent growing conditions provided by the LDA. Marsh Lane Fields has not suffered any loss of amenity for local people and the fantastic productivity of the allotments has provided food for the local community. So much for the doom mongers!

Residents from Clays Lane have indeed been rehoused in three blocks of purpose built flats, as Mr Lewis the Chief Executive of the London Development Agency told the Voice newspaper back in September 2007. They also have three purpose built community centres, are located next to some very desirable green spaces, which they indicated was important to them in the Fluid survey, and enjoy low rents and utility bills. We are also able confirm that contrary to earlier false reports Lord Coe, Lyn Brown MP, Mr Livingstone, Mr Higgins, Tessa Jowell MP and the Mayor of Newham were all happy to visit the community and were involved in ongoing productive meetings on site with residents after either being invited or saying they would attend.

We would also like to point out that the 9000 homes which will result from the Athletes' Village, whatever others may think, are now definitely classified as Olympic Legacy housing as Stratford City is now officially an Olympic project. This simply regularises what was already the case as Stratford City was always understood to be an integral part of the 2012 Games.

We can now confirm that the present Legacy Launch is in fact merely a relaunch as the plans were already in existence but regrettably were lost by a junior officer in the ODA planning department when uploading them onto the ODA website in the winter of 2007. The officer concerned is now in charge of planning for the main stadium.

All businesses were relocated successfully, no jobs were lost and no businesses had to close. Indeed several hundred new jobs have been created in the relocated businesses which are all thriving in their new locations.

All the groups of Travellers have been found new permanent sites and no open space has been lost. Hackney Marsh and Major Road park have been preserved for the use of their local communities.

We are also proud to announce that the Olympics programme has already resulted in the creation of a very substantial area of parkland ahead of schedule. This includes a very large area of open ground which is available for the enjoyment of contracted staff stretching from East Marsh in the north to Stratford in the south and Hackney Wick in the west to Leyton in the east.

Cyclists and great crested newts are co-existing on the new cycle facility at Hog Hill. We believe that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

No contamination of any kind has been discovered on the Olympic site, particularly at Eastway. Every grain of dust has been minutely tested and has been found to be full of life giving and enhancing vitamins and minerals. We are proud to announce that anyone breathing in dust from this site will enjoy an extra buzz with every breath!

All issues to do with fees and compensation have been resolved. No-one is owed any money and there are no outstanding financial or other issues of any kind at all, absolutely none, nada, niente, outstanding.

The construction of the blue fence marks the opening of the building phase of the project. As it has attracted such interest, including a review by Mr Iain Sinclair in the Guardian, we are considering proposals to make it a permanent feature.

We are unable to confirm that any anti-terror exercises have been held in the area now defined as the Olympic Park or that the SAS held any such exercise in the tower blocks at Park Village. We are also unable to confirm that anyone has been stopped by anti-terrorism officers in the vicinity of the Park or that the presence of anti-terrorism officers is to prevent Al Qaeda tunnelling into the Park to reach the former site of the allotments to hide out until 2012. We are grateful to Mr Livingstone for providing us with warning of the threat posed by terrorists posing as allotmenteers.

Finally, we are aware of the threat posed to the Olympic torch by protestors and will be spending a lot of money and deploying a very large number of police to ensure that this object, sacred to the IOC and Olympic cult members around the world, will be treated with proper respect and veneration.

Have a nice day from London 2012.